Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
