i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
zippers are such a cool invention
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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