Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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