I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
