Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
