My sheets look like a crime scene.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
