I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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