I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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