I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
