false alarm. still invincible.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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