she was so not down for the gang bang
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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