it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
