no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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