Moan for me like Helen Keller
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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