i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
