I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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