My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Of course I have a pirate flag
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize