it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
