As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
