Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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