that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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