I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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