after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize