i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
