Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
