I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
