I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
