there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
