I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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