Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize