listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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