the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
