you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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