Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
