I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My cat gives me a boner
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
