im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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