i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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