the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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