Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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