The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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