i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
