She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If I die, sorry about rent.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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