Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize