I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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