when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
