I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
