There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize