I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
