Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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