She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
