Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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