It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
