I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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