Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
