Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I wish I could teleport
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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