Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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