I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
