I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
