I can't breathe out the right side of my face
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
