Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
