Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
